I started having symptoms about the spring of 2002. They were what we thought
to be stress related; hives, panic attacks, breathing difficulties, and fatigue.
We called 911 in the summer of 2002 because I thought that I was having a heart
attack. They didn’t even take me into the hospital because they thought it was
just stress related. In the fall we went to the emergency room for that same
reason, but they didn’t do a chest x-ray. By February of 2003, I had the night
sweats, cold chills, weight loss, and fatigue and weakness. I started out
weighing 205 and went down as low as 175.
In February 2003, I had a horrible week where I experienced terrible night
sweats, chills, and overheated times as well. I finally went to my primary care
doctor again and had blood drawn to determine what the problem was, insisting on
extensive blood-work being done. We received startling news that the
inflammation markers in my blood were through the roof. I was malnourished and
had low iron. We were sent to a GI doctor because they thought that it was
related to my GI tract. They were afraid of internal bleeding. The GI doctor
asked if I had chest pains and difficulty breathing, which he did. He mentioned
that sometimes parasites can cause respiratory problems. He ordered a chest
X-ray for the next day and this is when something showed up in between my
diaphragm. A cat scan was scheduled for the following day and revealed a lot of
inflamed lymph nodes in my chest, near my clavicle, and in my abdomen. The
radiologist stated that this could be only one of two things, most likely some
kind of lymphoma. He didn’t really take the time to explain the other
possibility, therefore dismissing it in his mind as unlikely. We were very
distressed that the word “cancer” was being thrown out there as a very real
possibility.
I was referred to an oncologist and hematologist, but they couldn’t get me in
for nearly two weeks at the Kensington office. We told them to put me on a
cancellation list, and they called back about two hours later saying they could
get me into the Shady Grove office the following Thursday. This was something
that we had prayed for specifically, so as not to have to wait for almost two
weeks!
Our initial visit with the Oncologist went well. It was on a Thursday. It was
very difficult being there and seeing the “world of cancer” up front and
personal. Seeing the patients bald and devoid of energy was quite a shock.
Laurie (my wife) left discouraged, but I was encouraged. Maybe there was hope to
beat this thing. The doctor gave us pretty good treatment odds for cancer. He
explained that if it was Hodgkin’s disease, it was very treatable. They couldn’t
biopsy the lymph nodes with a needle because they couldn’t feel any. They did do
a bone marrow biopsy on both sides, and this was the most painful thing that
Mark had to do in his life. It was terrible. The doctor literally puts all of
his weight onto your hip to drive a large needle through the bone. To make
matters worse, the medicine that was supposed to numb the pain had not yet
started to work when the doctor started on my left hip. It affected my ability
to walk directly after, and left me weak, in pain, and shocked at what I went
through.
The oncologist had ordered a PET scan, and wanted me to see a surgeon. We were
able to get the scan on Monday and see the surgeon on Tuesday morning. The PET
scan went well. They injected radioactive glucose into my vein, then scanned me
for an hour. The glucose is literally sucked up by the cancer cells that are
present, causing them to “light up”. We requested a copy for the doctors. They
needed to keep the CAT scan films so the radiologist could interpret the PET
scan. We needed both for the next morning with the surgeon, so Laurie went back
later to pick up the CAT scan.
The appointment with the surgeon was the most disheartening and shocking one
yet. He was very matter of fact in his delivery when he very simply stated that
Mark had stage 3 cancer, maybe stage two but most likely no less than stage
three. He told us briefly how the surgery would go, and sent us on our way. An
incision near his windpipe would be made and the tissue removed.
(Laurie Writing)
Up to this point, we were shocked and somewhat numb. I knew that my life may
never be the same. Then we left the office we couldn’t talk to one another until
we entered the elevator. By the time we got to our car, I was in tears and Mark
was in shock. This was the worst moment of our lives. I cried the whole way
home, and on the way Mark had to stop in and pick up his referral for the
oncologist as they lost the first one. We went home and just cried and talked.
It was the most difficult time of our lives as far as I can see. I told Mark
that if the Lord got us through this, that we would be changed forever. We would
never look at life or each other the same again.
I went to get my daughter Kailey from school a little later. She was at a field
trip and her teacher drove her because I couldn’t make it. I got there early and
waited in the parking lot. I was okay until I got Kailey and was driving away
and Mrs. Ellis came out to give me her backpack that she forgot and asked how
the appointment went. I said not good and started to cry. She held my hand and
quoted Jeremiah 17:7 and 8 to me.
An hour later we had to drop her off at my friend Ann-Marie’s house so we could
go see the oncologist. He still did not have the bone marrow test in, so
couldn’t tell us if it was in his bone marrow or not. He told us stage three,
possibly Hodgkin’s disease, and that it was in his spleen as well. He gave Mark
50-50 odds of being cured the first go around. The salvage treatment would be
another 50-50 odds. After this appointment we did call people to let them know,
having waited until the final word from the oncologist. I cried the whole day,
until about 4pm when I had cried out most of my tears, although some still came.
People were in shock, and couldn’t believe that it had gotten so advanced.
Anytime I spoke with someone or saw someone, I started to cry. I couldn’t even
go into Ann-Marie’s house to get Kailey after the oncologist appointment.
We scheduled Mark’s surgery for Shady Grove Hospital for that Friday. We were
praying for it to be sooner and that his bone marrow was cancer free. Very
quickly we received a call that his bone marrow was free of cancer. Soon after
that we rescheduled his surgery for the following afternoon! God was so good to
us in giving us hope and instant encouragement. Before we knew that Mark was so
sick, we had scheduled a slumber party for my daughter Anna’s 10th birthday for
that Friday. God was in all the details.
A big dilemma for us was when to tell the kids. The day Mark was diagnosed with
some type of cancer was March 18, Anna’s 10th birthday. We were going to tell
the kids after school the next day, but the surgery was scheduled so quickly we
had to tell them before school. We would be at the hospital when they got home.
I talked with our friends Dave and Peggy Smith to get some practical advice on
how to tell them, having gone through cancer with Dave 12 years ago. We had
Kailey play and took the kids into our sitting room and told them after
breakfast. They were very quiet and took it well. We gave them the choice to
stay home that day, but they wanted to go to school. Tyler said that he wasn’t
scared or worried, and wanted to go to school. Anna took a little while to
decide about going to school. Mark read to them from the Bible in James 1:2-3
and Phillipians 4:4-7. We told them that Dad has been sick and going to a lot of
Doctors, and they found out that he has a type of cancer. Because it is very
strong, they need to give him stronger medicine called chemotherapy to make it
go away. We said that a lot of people get better with this medicine. We
explained the side effects and what to expect. We told them about Mark’s surgery
that day to find out exactly what kind of cancer it is so we can treat it the
best way. We told them that others may tell them things that scare or confuse
them but to come to us and we will be honest with them. They went to school and
I sent in notes to their teachers explaining the situation and to let them call
if they need to.
My friend Iris met us at the hospital that day for Mark’s surgery. We had to be
there at 2pm for a 4pm surgery. I really did feel God’s peace and strength.
Everything went well. He was taken back and prepped for surgery before they
would let me come back and sit with him. They had tried twice to get the IV in,
but failed. The technician took blood and left for the lab, but they spilled it
and wanted to do it again. Mark was very upset. The anesthesiologist and surgeon
said to forget the blood work (to check for his clotting capabilities), and got
the IV in on the first try. I left him as he was rolled out to surgery. It was
very hard leaving him at that point. I went into the bathroom to collect myself
but did not cry and was fine. It was a difficult time waiting. His surgeon came
out after about one hour and said everything went well and there is definitely
cancer. He said they would have the results in two days. I waited about 1½ hours
to go back and see him. We went down to the second stage recovery together. It
was so hard to see him so out of it. I could tell that the Lord gave me abundant
grace for the day. I held it together and never even cried. We got home at 8pm
that night. My mom had the kids and brought them home. They were there when we
arrived home. Iris brought us dinner.
The next few days were tough with Mark trying to recover. By Friday, it hit us
that we really needed to pray with others. Mark kept turning down opportunities
to pray with others. Anna was having her previously scheduled slumber party that
night. We had our friend Joe picking up the pizza for us, and asked Iris to come
with him and pray with us. When the girls went down to watch a video, we talked
and prayed. It was very emotional for all of us, and the first time we had
prayed with anyone else besides each other. All of us cried openly.
That Sunday, March 23rd, we had our pastors and friends, Paul Abbott, Ken
Jackson, Mark Kreslins, and Joe and Iris come and anoint Mark with oil and pray,
laying hands on him. It was very powerful and emotional.
We decided to do the following through this:
Know that God is good
Trust him for the outcome
Pray without ceasing
Pray with others often
Be honest with our kids.
To not forget how to laugh
To have fun together
To not hang our hope on what the doctors say, or despair over the odds and bad
news
To pray for complete healing
We still waited for the biopsy results to no avail. Our Oncologist, Dr. Walmark
told us that he thought it was probably Hodgkin’s Disease.
Our friend John Baker came over on Monday, March 24 and prayed with us before
our date night. He really encouraged us to go to NIH (National Institutes of
Health) and have treatment there. We determined that we would get our slides
from the biopsy over to them as soon as we could. We were on an emotional high
with the thought that we could go to NIH.
The next day, March 25th, we went to the appointment at Dr. Walmark’s office and
there were still no test results. They did say it was 90% sure to be Hodgkins.
We asked him to send them over to NIH as they were talking of doing so anyway.
He told us that Mark may have cancer in his adrenal gland, and it is in his
pelvis as well. He said it was stage 3 or 4. He also mentioned all of the
terrible side effects of the chemo other than hair loss, nausea, and fatigue.
Heart problems, lung issues, infections, (a 100.05 fever being an emergency),
possibility of leukemia down the road, and the next eight years, especially the
next five being the time the cancer can come back. It was disheartening and hard
to hear.
We called NIH (An acquaintance of ours was a doctor there and he did the legwork
and lab work for us with Mark’s biopsy) two days later and confirmed that he
received it. His initial impression of it was Hodgkin’s nodular sclerosis. This
is a more easily treated form of cancer. He told us that we would know on Monday
the 31st of March. We did hear then that it was confirmed to be the Hodgkin’s NS
(Nodular Sclerosis). The Lord answered that prayer as well. This day was
particularly hard because I took Anna to her 10- year checkup and found out that
a bump on her lower back needs to be removed and that she has scoliosis. We have
determined to give all of this to the Lord.
Monday I took Anna to her ten-year checkup only to find out that she has mild
scoliosis, a cyst on her tailbone, and tremors in her hands and legs that she
had been complaining about. We were very disheartened about it and struggle to
get our minds and hearts around the Lord allowing this. It seemed to be the
first struggle we truly had with the Lord, but He was faithful to get us through
it.
On that Wednesday Mark went back to Dr. Levin’s, the surgeon, to have a
follow-up appointment to check his incision. Everything was fine.
Thursday we took our son Ty into Johns Hopkins for his six-month checkup. We
thought that everything went well.
That Saturday, April 5th, was hard. Tyler had his opening ceremony and first
game, while Anna had a riding lesson. It was cold, damp, and rainy. Mark was not
feeling well and I was struggling with his fight to not be upset. We did have a
good talk and cleared the air.
That Sunday Mark stayed home from church, but I went. It was the first time that
I had stayed after the service instead of leaving right away. I was so nervous
about it that my stomach had butterflies. Anna and Tyler had to practice for
singing on Palm Sunday. Mom and Carolyn (Mark’s mom) got the kids while I got
Kailey’s car seat into Jim’s car. They stayed with the kids and I went home.
Everyone was very nice and supportive. Hugging me and telling me that so many
are praying for us. It really went well. Mark’s parents took the kids out to
lunch and then home while we had some more people come and lay hands on Mark,
anoint him with oil, and pray. It was Paul and Sharon Abbott, Dave and Peggy
Smith, Ken Jackson, and the Mehailescus. It was another very emotional time,
with most of us crying. They prayed for Anna, as well as Kailey and Ty too.
On Monday I took Anna to the surgeon who said that she will definitely need to
have the cyst removed with general instead of local. The encouraging thing was
that when I shared with him about Mark’s illness and chemo, he said that he
didn’t care when we remove the cyst. He was very casual about the whole thing.
Praise God! We will go ahead and schedule it for 6 months to a year.
Tuesday April 8th was the big day. Mark was very nervous and struggling with not
knowing how much the Lord will let happen to him. This made me nervous. We
prayed on our way over to the appointment. This helped some, but we realized
that I forgot to pick up the referral! I called Chris Miller who works in the
same office complex as our primary care doctor and he picked it up with
permission from me. He dropped it by the office as we were back talking with Dr.
Walmark. The Lord took care of us again!
Dr. Walmark said that this form of chemo, ABVD, is about a 5 or 6 on a scale of
10 for aggressiveness. We discussed some of our questions and concerns with him
before Mark went back to the treatment room. I scheduled his next two
appointments before going back. When the nurse was getting ready to put the IV
in, I went to the bathroom! After, they still didn’t have it in, so I made a
phone call in the hallway outside the office to Chris to say thank you. After
that, when I went back it was in! Thank goodness! I really didn’t want to see it
happening.
The oncology nurse first started a saline drip, then added Benadryl to offset a
possible allergic reaction and Tylenol to offset a fever from one of the drugs.
They gave him Ativan to calm him and keep him from getting nauseous, and a
triple dose of Zofran for the nausea. He received the first three chemo drugs IV
push with a needle through the IV line. One is bright red and turns your pee
red. One is so toxic that if it gets on your skin it kills it and you need to
see a plastic surgeon. They have an antidote to draw it out of your skin if it
does happen. It is very harsh on your veins. The last chemo medication is put in
saline and IV dripped for 2 to 2 1/2 hours. Then they took off the IV and gave
him a pneumonia vaccination. The chemo can harm his lungs and heart, his white
and red blood cell counts will drop, a fever from infection of 100.5 or over is
an emergency, his veins can become damaged or shutdown, nausea, vomiting,
fatigue, chills, malaise, hair loss, nail darkening, secondary cancers. This is
all very daunting.
Mark really did well. All the medications calmed him and made him very sleepy.
He was able to dose off a few times. We were the only ones for treatment most of
the time so I was able to sit back with him the whole time in the neighboring
chemo chair. They are very comfortable!
When we could finally go home we had been there for 5 1/2 hours. We were very
tired and Mark was kind of out of it. We went home and grabbed a quick lunch,
then I ran and got his prescription filled. Mark took one Zofran right way
because he was starting to feel nauseous. He felt kind of yuck the rest of the
evening, but less tired after a nap. That night he had to take more medicine due
to extreme nausea at 2:30 in the morning. He woke up feeling poorly, but able to
go into work until about 4pm that day. He came home feeling very tired and
pretty nauseous, so he took a nap.
We have had some people come pray with us throughout the week. Ken Jackson and
Mark Kreslins put together a list of those who could come to our home and pray.
So far, John Baker, Mark, and Ken, as well as Joe and Iris have come. John and
the Mehailescues have been very consistent. This has been a real blessing, and
had taught Mark of his need for the body, and has taught me to be real in my
prayer with others an not to fear my emotions and making them known.
On the Wednesday after the chemo, Mark actually went to work. He ended ups being
very tired that night and nauseous, but feeling okay. Thursday, his stomach and
intestines were on fire. He hadn’t gotten more than two hours of sleep the night
before. He was exhausted and couldn’t go into work. The doctor prescribed a drug
for him that would calm that down. It helped a little. He was very sick that
day. Joe and Iris came to pray with us and he fell asleep during the prayer!
Anna was with us for the first part of the prayer time as I was praying. This
was a huge step for her as she had turned down all previous offers to join us
for these prayer times.
Thursday was another difficult day, and Mark really didn’t start to feel better
until Monday. Tuesday he worked some, as well as Wednesday and Thursday. Tuesday
he went in to see Dr. Walmark and they did blood work. His counts were low, but
that was expected. He will certainly need shots to boost his white and red blood
cell counts. He lost five pounds. Not too bad. By Wednesday, he was able to go
without Advil and take a walk at 7pm. This was unheard of for him. Thursday he
worked until 6pm. It was the first time he felt better than even before he went
on the chemotherapy. The cancer was starting to be affected by the drugs. Praise
the Lord! Unfortunately, Sunday night Tyler started a fever, and by Tuesday I
was sick with a fever. We both threw up and did everything that we could to keep
Mark un-exposed. We cleaned and disinfected all the surfaces. We kept Ty
confined to his room or the basement. I wore a mask. Anna developed a fever on
Thursday night. The whole thing was scary and at the same time very sad and
upsetting. Mark’s blood counts dropped right when we all got sick. We knew this
to be a dangerous time for Mark to be exposed to anything. We were sad because
it was the kid’s spring break from school and we had to cancel everything. It
also really separated us as a family and isolated Mark. We had been wanting to
get our family picture done before Mark loses his hair. We had to put that off
as well.
Saturday came with everyone seeming to be doing fine. I had not been sleeping
well for three nights, and was exhausted. We loaded everyone up and went for our
pictures, which were great! This was an answer to prayer. Kailey spiked a fever
about 15 minutes after the pictures when we were in the middle of lunch. I know
that God is good and in all the details. I wanted that picture and had been
praying. I also wanted Kailey to be healthy. The Lord gave us the picture
(important because Mark would lose his hair and if he didn’t survive) and we
needed to trust that Mark would remain healthy and not get this. God has shown
me Psalm 62 and given me a new hope and peace in Him. He is our stronghold and
if we simply let go of what we are holding onto so tightly, we will gain peace
and strength. If we let go, all we are holding onto is Him.
Sunday April 20th is Easter. We were told that Paul Abbott will make an
announcement about us and tell people how they can help. My sister in law, Angie
wants him to tell them to write their email addresses down if they want a
once-a-week email with updates and info, etc. We do not want to be there for
that announcement, but I do a little. I want to know what was said. We will have
to go early to church instead of our usual being late and leaving early. We feel
that we need to avoid the large groups of people for a while due to all of the
questions and well-meaning comments.
We did not make it to church on Easter Sunday due to Laurie and Kailey being
sick with the flu. Paul decided to hold off on making the announcement until the
following Sunday. Mark went with Anna and Tyler to mom and dad’s house for
dinner. I struggled immensely with discouragement with us getting sick and the
dangers of Mark getting sick too. The Lord really protected Mark, though. He
remained untouched by the germs without even moving out temporarily. Our friends
Ken and Leanne Malnar prayed with us on Monday night.
On Tuesday April 22, Mark had his second chemo treatment. They got the IV in
four times before finally getting the fifth one to take. It was very painful and
difficult for Mark. I had such a hard time seeing Mark go through that. He did
get it in the crock of his arm on the right side this time. They worry about
leakage there, but it worked out fine. His white counts are low now and he will
need to go in Thursday, Friday and Monday of next week for Nupogen shots. It is
amazing that even with the low white counts he did not get the flu from us.
The chemo, except for the IV, was uneventful. Mark was a little nervous about
all of that toxic medication going into him again, so he received Ativan in his
IV. This and the Benadryl calmed him and made him sleepy. He dozed a little, but
was very antsy and fidgety. The whole process took over an hour shorter this
time, and we were home by 1:15. We ate lunch and I ran to get our dinner from
Ann at church because Tyler had a game that night. I ran to the grocery store
and got some things. Mark went up to nap, due to being tired. Dave Smith came
and prayed with Mark before we left for the game. Mark was able to join us later
and stay for 2/3 of the game. He was somewhat nauseous.
He had a good night and slept fine. He didn’t need to get up and take any
medications. When he woke up the next morning he felt okay. As with last time,
it really hit him the Wednesday night after. He was nauseous and achy, as well
as exhausted. He still has not thrown up yet. He worked Wednesday but not
Thursday, and he worked a half-day on Friday. John Baker prayed with us
Wednesday, then Joe and Iris came and prayed with us on Thursday night. I really
feel that my perspective on suffering and pain had changed so much. Instead of a
thing to be avoided and despised, it can be embraced as God’s mercy and love is
revealed to us through it. We are growing and drawing near to the Lord in ways
we simply couldn’t if things were going great. The last few years have prepared
our hearts for this. The Lord had walked us through life for this moment. Pain
is something to be embraced because we are choosing to remain in the Lord. His
great mercy enables us to go through suffering and draw near to him and see his
face. He WILL redeem this and we are trusting him to do just that. We are
praying that he will receive glory, honor, and praise. We want to be a witness
for him and emerge from this trial with a testimony beyond anything we could
imagine. This is our prayer. We want to have a permanent change in our hearts
and attitudes and perspective. We want our relationships to be forever changed.
On Saturday the 26th, four days after his chemo treatment, he was able to go
with us to a store briefly, but after being out for an hour and a half he was
exhausted. He really does feel better this time around. On Sunday the 27th he
stayed home from church because Paul made an announcement about him due to the
amount of phone calls to the church office of people who want to help and want
information about us. It was hard to hear Paul talk about us, and when he
mentioned that Mark had been diagnosed with Hodgkins, there was a collective “ahhhh”.
Paul said that we are okay with our bills, but to protect Mark with his immune
system being compromised, we are going to have a few people coming in who can be
paid to do the lawn and cleaning and that people can contribute to that. It was
uncomfortable to hear but we know it is a good way for people to help out and
get involved. Angie will be the family spokesperson and send out email weekly to
those who want updates.
John came and prayed with us on Wednesday as usual. Lauren Beam has offered to
baby sit for us every other week on Mark’s off weeks for chemo. She came on
Thursday night and we went to Joe and Iris’ house to pray and have them witness
our wills.
This next week was difficult for Mark in so many ways. He started having a lot
of heart palpitations and it was interfering with his sleep. He went into the
oncologist’s office on Tuesday as usual and the PA said that she heard the
irregularities when she examined him. They sent him to Shady Grove Hospital on
Friday and I was able to go with him. He had a MUGA scan to see if there was any
heart muscle damage and to check the blood flow. We did not get any results from
that after the scan. They had to put in an IV, but they got it in right away.
This was an especially had week because I was getting very burned out at home
with no breaks since way before his whole thing started. Mark was struggling
with facing death daily and worrying about his heart. He is just so tired of
this whole thing and knows that he has so far to go. He is very worried about
leaving us behind. He had a panic attack on early Saturday at 4am. He had to
take the Xanax much more often lately.
We have been thinking that the trembling that Anna has been having in her arms,
hands, and legs may be anxiety. It has abated somewhat. Even at one day shy of
four weeks, Mark has not lost his hair yet. This past week it has thinned a lot,
but nothing that others would notice right away. We have noticed. I had a talk
with Anna about her fears with him going bald. I told her that there are many
men who shave their heads and many in the church because it is very “in”. I
think she felt better after that, but she and Ty are still praying that he does
not lose his hair.
Mark was starting to get nervous and dread his next treatment. By Monday the
5th, one day before is third treatment, his heart palpitations were very bad. He
had to sleep sitting up on the couch so that he would not notice them as much.
On Tuesday morning early mom took the kids to school and Dave and Peggy Smith
prayed with us before we had to leave for the appointment. It was very
comforting to pray with a couple who had been through what we are going through.
That morning Mark was nauseous before we even left the house, and he told me
that the color turquoise of the chemo chairs is starting to repel him. “I’m
starting to hate that color”.
Dr. Walmark said that even with a normal sedimentation rate (a marker for
inflammation), he still had cancer. He said that Mark’s liver did not seem
enlarged. We asked about having an early scan and he said that it would not
change how many minimum treatments that he does. The MUGA scan was normal.
We had specifically prayed for the IV to go in well because that last time it
took five tries. This time we had the nurse Marina who was the first one to do
Mark’s chemo. She got it in on the first try. Praise God! Mark was queasy even
before the chemo meds were administered. He has grown very weary of the whole
process this week and dreads the week of chemo. Everything went fine and we were
home by 1:30.
Iris brought over the lady to clean the home that night to give us an estimate.
She was very understanding of the need to keep things sanitary and to not come
sick. As usual, Mark went to work on Wednesday, and actually had a good night
that night sleeping. The heart palpitations are much better! Praise God again!
Also, he felt well enough to go into work on Thursday, although he ended up
coming home by lunch. The sickness is getting better, or he is able to cope
better, but he couldn’t do a full day.
Today (5/8) I am trying to keep my mind stayed on the Lord in prayer and His
word. I do not want to lapse into my old ways of hardly acknowledging my Lord
and Savior throughout my days.
On Thursday I spoke to Anna’s pediatrician about her tremors that she is
experiencing. She thought that it most likely could be anxiety related,
especially after I told her about Mark’s health. She mentioned the possibility
of therapy.
On Tuesday, May 13th Mark went for his weekly Oncologist visit and had blood
work done to check his white and red blood cell counts. His red cells are doing
great, but his white cells are low and he will need injections of Nupogen to
enable him to have his next chemo treatment. He will need one on Saturday and
one on Sunday. He will try to do them himself if the Insurance company will
allow it. We saw the Cardiologist today as well and he thought that Mark’s
palpitations could be benign, but wanted to give him a device that will track
the problems. He puts it on his chest every time there are palpitations and then
calls it in and they make an EKG t track it over a month. If something serious
come up they call right away and get Mark the meds or care he needs. He did not
think that this was life threatening.
I took Anna to see a Neurologist today for her tremors. He did not think it is
stress or anxiety related and thought it was physiological tremors. She needs to
get blood work done and check her thyroid, which could cause this but he doesn’t
think that is it. He is not overly worried, saying that it could go away.
On Wednesday the 14th Mark was in a car accident that pretty much totaled the
jeep. He was at Rt. 80 and 355 at a four-way blinking red light and went to
drive in the intersection as everyone was stopped and a lady came from his right
and slammed into him. She had a blinking yellow and so it was technically his
fault even though the light was malfunctioning. Praise God he walked away
unharmed. We now have the unexpected expense of buying a new used car for Mark.
We are trusting that God will provide in all the details.
On Thursday, May 15th Mark lost his first tuft of hair in the shower. It had
been coming out one at a time, but this time it was a group of them. It was hard
to see, but the kids and I talked openly with him and it was fine.
Over the weekend Mark did okay. We went our on Monday the 19th and bought a car
wholesale from a friend in the business. He gave us about $3,000 under sticker
price. We both really feel that the Lord lead us to this car.
We were really starting to dread the chemo this time. I think that it is getting
harder. On the 20th Mark went for his fourth chemo, a third done if he only has
12. He has such a long way to go and it does get harder every time. I am very
discouraged and struggling with the enormity of the whole thing, treatment and
the disease itself. Mark got very sick with the pre-meds and almost threw up. He
was much more affected this time by the meds and slept about 90% of the time. Of
course, he was his typical yellow color, which is so hard to see. He had a hard
time getting up to go to the bathroom. They had to get the IV in with two tries,
both very painful. We have figured out that the veins on his right arm are not
good, except for the crook of his arm, which is not good for chemo but that is
where he got it today. We were told by the nurse Nicole, (new this time for us),
that he can use the left every time and it will be fine. Two weeks is enough to
give it the break it needs. We will do that arm next time. He is upstairs
sleeping right now, has been for two hours. It is now almost 7pm. He is so
tired. He has mentioned to Dr. Walmark at the appointment with him before chemo
today that he did not lose his hair yet. He hadn’t brushed it and the Dr thought
that it was coming out in patches when it was really just messed up under his
hat. His SED rate is at 2. The tumor pain and itchiness is still there but
expected. He is so cautious and does not want to give us hope. He won’t tell us
that Mark’s progress is anything but “good”. He always says that Mark will lose
his hair. He will scan Mark at 4 cycles and then at 6 cycles (12 treatments). I
can’t imagine him having to do 16 treatments. The thought of 12 is just too
hard.
We notice that Mark gets red and puffy around the eyes after a treatment for the
first couple of days. His face gets red as well. It does not seem to bother him
too much. He is very sick today the 21st, one day after his 4th treatment. He
worked for a few hours then came home and slept. He is very nauseous and won’t
really be consistent with his meds, which doesn’t help. He will take it if
things get really bad, which they do. He still hasn’t thrown up yet. He is
discouraged today because we have so far to go. The end of this seems so far
away and we have both been struck this week with the seriousness of the
situation again and the length of it. So long! The oncologist tells us we “have
so far to go”.
As seems to be the case, Mark started to feel better as the weekend progressed.
He was able to play with the kids some, and we enjoyed some time together as a
family. Monday he felt good, and went back to work. Sunday Kailey was sick
throwing up, so we didn’t go to church. Monday, Memorial Day, Anna was sick and
threw up a lot. There is always the concern about the kids getting Mark sick.
Tuesday, May 27th he went in to the Oncologist’s office for blood work and to
see the PA. His white blood cell counts are low again, and he will need to give
himself three Nupogen shots over the weekend to endure the next round of chemo.
On Wednesday afternoon, I started throwing up, and did so until night.
Fortunately, this is a 12-hour thing. On Thursday Mark started to feel sick, but
we don’t know for sure if it is the bug or from the chemo. After he took a nap
we realized that he did indeed have the stomach bug, but a mild form. He never
threw up and was fine the next day. He did take his temperature that night to
make sure that he did not have a fever.
God was so good that week with the details of our schedule and being sick. There
was a field trip on Wednesday for Ty’s class that I needed to drive for. We were
both healthy for that. I got sick a few hours after we got back, then well
enough to go to Kailey’s last day of preschool. Kailey and Anna didn’t miss
anything important, and Tyler never got sick, making it possible for me to go
out on Friday night. He was well on Saturday for his game, and we were well for
church, their piano recital, and the birthday dinner at mom’s house for Sunday.
Now we are coming up on another chemotherapy session tomorrow. I am not looking
forward to it, but it does feel a little different this time around. Mark is not
taking the time to think about it, therefore not ruining his weekend. He is
focusing on feeling well right now and will handle it when it comes.
Unfortunately, I am sick again, and woke up sick on Mark’s chemo day. It is some
kind of viral cold thing. We went, and they got the IV in on the first try. They
used his left forearm. We realize now that that vein and the one in the crook of
his arm on his right arm are the good ones. We asked for a little container to
throw up in if needed, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t as hard emotionally this time
around, therefore making the treatment a little less difficult physically. Mark
turned pale and yellow as usual, and was very groggy. He slept a lot, but not as
much as last time. He was very fidgety and uncomfortable. He was very nauseous.
We found out that our favorite nurse is now gone when he comes in for his
treatments. She always got the IV in on the first try. We came home and I made
him a roast beef sandwich. Rosa and Carolina were still here cleaning our house.
It was their first time coming to clean, and the house looked great for about
four days!
This week was very difficult for Mark physically. He did not take any meds for
the nausea at all because he felt that it does not work at all. I was not happy
with that, but do not want to mother him. He was sicker for longer and it was
more intense. By Sunday, he was still nauseous and very tired. He was starting
to have chest pain and shortness of breath on Saturday. This scared him very
much because he felt that the chemo is now starting to do some lung damage and
is very concerned about getting all the way through the treatments alive. He
can’t imagine how he can survive the chemo, or at least live without damage to
his long-term health. He always gets very lonely while he is getting through the
bad days, and this time around he could not work on Wednesday like he always
can. He is very much struggling with the increase in the symptoms. I am having
to realize that we are just getting to a much harder point in the treatment
process. We are passing from a doable time to a much more difficult and intense
time of the treatment process. The symptoms will just get worse and worse. We
need to trust the Lord for his life, no matter if he has one day, three months,
or 40 years. We are all fleeting and our days are but a breath. We are like
grass in the wind, being blown so easily and snuffed out like a flame. If the
Lord so chooses, we will go home to him now. Likewise, we may go home decades
from now.
On his 33rd birthday, Mark did not feel any cause to celebrate, but I reminded
him that every breath is a gift form the Lord, and that if we have breath it is
so because He desires it to be so. It was a good reminder for both of us.
Mark went to the Doctor’s and saw the PA on Tuesday the 10th of June. They are
doing a pulmonary function test on Wednesday along with a blood ox test. He will
need to get a chest x-ray as well. All this will determine if he has some lung
tissue damage and toxicity. His chest is sore and he has shortness of breath.
His counts were good and everything else seemed fine.
We are now getting to the weekend and it is finally good for Mark. He feels fine
now, but tired. He was very irritable yesterday for some reason. It was very
hard for me because the kids are going through a very hard time right now, with
Ty not listening and whining, and Anna with disrespecting and arguing. Yesterday
we were up until almost 10pm with Anna going over and over her attitude. We need
a lot of prayer and help and wisdom for this one.
Mark still hasn’t lost all of his hair. It is looking very straggly, though. I
think he needs to buzz it. He is holding onto it pretty tightly, though. It is
very thin and too long on the top, but fine on the sides. The back is pretty
thinned out too.
On June 18th, Mark had his 6th treatment. They got the IV in on the first try on
his right forearm. That was a first! It was a true answer to prayer. Mark slept
rather peacefully throughout most of the time. He really was dreading this
treatment and it was at 1pm so we had the whole morning to think about it. He
met his dad for breakfast and I had the kids out in Frederick running errands
and then dropped them off at Ann-Marie’ house then came and got his to go
straight to the appointment. Rosa and Carolina came that morning.
So, things went well. We talked about how the anti-nausea meds weren’t doing the
trick, and he gave Mark a prescription for Ativan. He is combining that with the
Zofran and that helps. He slept well the first night. He was able to get rest
that first morning too. He is pretty sick, but the meds are helping. Dr. Walmark
said that even with remission at 8 treatments if the lymph nodes are swollen he
will need to have the 16 treatments if there is improvement after the 12. That
means that there is room to get better. Also, the x-ray was normal for his
chest, but they did not compare it to the first one from February. It means that
the large mass is not visible. That is a great sign praise God! The Dr. is
taking the lung issues very seriously. He said that it could be the beginnings
of lung toxicity. They will repeat the test again soon. We are praying for
protection of the chemo for his body and for healing by the 8th treatment. Dr.
Walmark gave us the first positive statement that he had said in months when he
said that he thought that “the Hodgkin’s was responding well to the treatment.”
Mark actually went out and ran/walked 2.5 miles today. I thought he was insane,
and came home looking like death. He seemed to think it was good and necessary,
though.
I am proud of him for taking the initiative to live a healthy lifestyle. This
week for him was better than the following chemo week. The Ativan made a big
difference and he slept much better. He stopped taking it on Saturday and seemed
to have some anxiety then and on Sunday. He is very worried about not surviving
the cancer and what is to come.
I am praying about putting my trust in the Lord regardless of the news that we
get about the PET scan on about a month. He reins on high regardless of the news
or circumstances, and we can know he is the rock and stronghold on our lives;
the only source of strength and hope to turn to. He has gotten us this far, he
will get us through the rest of this and what is to come. He is (Jesus) who we
aim to become like, but only by his Spirit; not by our striving or effort. God
is good.
On Tuesday, June 24th Mark went to the oncologist’s office to see Lisa the PA
for blood work and weight check, etc. He had some baby white blood cells,
meaning that the Nupogen is working to create new cells. His weight was down a
little. He may have scar tissue where the cancer was. Hopefully the word is
“was” and not “is”. We are praying that the next two treatments before the scan
do the trick and get any remaining cancer that is left. We are praying for a
permanent remission.
This week has been such a spiritual battle for Mark. He is terrified that he is
not responding to the cancer, no basis in reality. He started doing better but
then is struggling again. He started to have some near cold sweats the other
night and this terrified him. They are similar to the old cancer symptoms.
On July 1st, Kailey’s 4th birthday, we went in for his 7th treatment. The kids
went to Mom and Dad’s and stayed with them until the next evening. We discussed
with the dr. his new symptoms and he said that it could be the chemo causing the
sweats and chills. He said that he thought it wasn’t the cancer coming back, but
would not commit to anything and said that the scan will tell. Everything else
seemed fine. His blood work was good. The IV took two tries this time. We did
find some vein damage in his left arm, hardening in a vein in the lower arm.
This is caused by the DTIC. He felt sick as soon as he saw the chemo chairs. He
was groggy and woozy from the meds but was able to fall asleep and sleep for
most of the time quickly. I spent about 45 minutes trying to get his scans and
appointments figured out, complicated by the fact that Dr. Walmark was going out
of town. So inconsiderate of him! Mark did get up once when I was not around,
which bothered me a little because he has a hard time walking to the bathroom.
There was a kink in the IV and they had a hard time getting the flow to go just
right at first, then at the end the last app. 10 (milligrams?) of DTIC would not
go through due to air in the IV. I did not mention this to him partly due to the
fact that he would not have been able to focus or process the info due to the
meds, and also because it would have upset him to know it. I worry that this
could be a detriment to his healing, but need to give it to God. I know that the
nurse said that it was insignificant. It is the Lord’s to do with as he wills.
Mark slept fine with the Ativan that night. I filled his prescription for the
Zofran today before and the insurance company would not give us the 24, but only
12 because it is an $800.00 prescription. We will have to fight to get the other
part covered when it is needed.
Reflecting over the previous treatments, I am reminded that I did not want to
see Mark getting IVs at first, but now I am used to it and even watch sometimes.
I remember the pain and fears, and can empathize with him completely. I just
pray for his veins to hold up and cooperate for the nurses.
He is doing about the usual for his bad week. He is sleeping a little and
staying on the couch most of the day. We are 12 1/2 weeks into this whole
treatment ordeal. He asked for prayer yesterday, and I know he is struggling
with being sick and not knowing if it will do any good to be treated. It would
be so frustrating to go through this for nothing. Maybe it would not be for
nothing, only God knows.
Mark’s talk about sharing his faith has impacted me to pray about doing it as
well. It is more on my mind now. He shared the gospel with Chuck again last week
and gave him a tract to read. He was very interested. He shared with Kevin
Lewis, our neighbor, on Sunday after church when a B-B-Q was over in the
neighborhood and gave him a tract. He was very interested and open to talking
with Mark the next time he sees him. I want to do the same.
Unfortunately Kailey is sick now with a fever. She got sick while she was still
with Mom and Dad and woke up sick today, the 3rd of July. We are keeping her
away from Mark and the other kids and praying that they do not get sick too. I
need to stay healthy too!
On the 4th of July Kailey went early with Steve and Angie and spent the night
with them. I took Anna and Tyler up to Frederick for the afternoon and evening
to spend time with the Millers and to see fire works. Mark was very lonely and
had a long day all by himself. The kids offered to stay with him and keep him
company. He told them they were wonderful but to go. It was hard to be without
him that day.
On Tuesday the 8th Mark went in to see Lisa the PA and have blood work done. His
white counts are doing great with the shots but his red cells are starting to
drop near to the low zone. He is not sleeping well due to body aches and
discomfort and asked for a mild sleep aid to help. He is on Ambien. He took it
last night and did well with it, getting a decent night’s sleep for a change. He
slept upstairs on the air mattress that I bought for him. It is actually
comfortable for him. He got more Ativan for when he is nauseous. He is still
nauseous today, Wednesday of his good week, which is unusual. Usually by this
time he is feeling pretty good. It is discouraging and scary too. We know that
it will just keep getting worse. He still has five more to go, but it may be
nine. We can’t imagine doing that many. Five is hard enough to do.
Right now, the answered prayers that I know are; Mark is still working some,
spending time with his kids, playing some golf, getting out some, I’m getting
out some, financial provisions, Anna is adjusting some to Mark’s illness, the
kids are doing fine this summer with the changes and Mark being sick, we have a
support network, Mark’s heart and lungs are doing okay, Mark hasn’t thrown up
yet, he is keeping his weight consistent, he hasn’t lost all of his hair yet, he
has grown in tremendous ways over the last months, he has shared his faith with
two people last week, he tried to give a tract to a waitress, he hasn’t needed a
port yet, his veins are holding up except for one being damaged some. I am sure
that there is more. The Lord has provided in many great ways. We are amazed at
how awesome he is. It is very scary and we are scared, yet somehow we trust in
his goodness and his love for us.
I think that Mark is slipping more and more into a depression. He has been
depressed and discouraged for three or more weeks now. He cannot lift out of it.
When I try to encourage him it backfires. I do not know what to do or say. He
feels so isolated and lonely, but is too tired to pray or talk to me and has to
go to bed early when the kids do. We have not had a date night in over a month.
It is very sad and we are struggling with it tremendously. I think that this is
just as hard as him having the cancer itself. I read a verse that states that
with God nothing is impossible. He and do all things. I know that he can. With
Mark it is not just simply saving his life but he is mourning his quality of
life right now, which is rapidly declining. I care deeply about that too but can
accept it better, partly because I am not the one physically going through it
and partly because I know it is the evil we need to choose to get the desired
results. It is all just too sad for words. I do not know how we can continue
with this level of sadness. We need the Lord to come and rescue us. Please come
and rescue us, oh Lord. Please help us through the depth of this agony. I know
that Mark is drowning. I feel that he is pulling us, me, down with him.
Mark had lunch with Ken Jackson on Friday the 11th and was able to share a lot
of what the Lord has shown to him through this whole thing. He took some time to
pray and really focus on the Lord, prayer, and his word and this made a huge
difference for him. He is now sleeping a little better and it does affect his
energy level. We had a good weekend. I went out for the day and then to dinner
with Ann-Marie. Mark took the kids to the park for 15 minutes and then had to
come home. They were able to play outside when they got home.
At church on the 13th, people noticed that Mark looks like he is on chemo. He
looks like he has cancer. His eyebrows are gone accept for a few hairs and his
hair on his head is very sparse. I noticed that his armpit hairs are sparser now
as well. He is really, really, losing his hair now. He has for months now, but
it is now showing the result of months of slow hair loss. He is very weird about
it. He does not want to shave or buzz it, although I almost got him to do that.
On July the 15th we went in for his 8th treatment. This was the milestone before
his scans. It was so very hard for the both of us to do this one. I think we
just feel awful that we have to do it yet again. Dr. Walmark said that Mark was
in need of an Aranesp shot for his red blood cell counts. They are too low now.
Mark told him that his energy level is very low now. He is on a steep downward
slide with his health now due to the chemo. Dr. Walmark said that we can skip
the off-week appointments for the lab work. He feels that Mark is consistent
with his blood work each week and that it is not necessary. We mentioned about
our trip to Cape Cod and he thought it would be fine. He has a colleague in Cape
Cod and would have Mark see him if something went wrong. We talked about how we
will be calling him for the scan results before we see him the next Thursday. I
told Mark about my fears with us looking at a copy of the PET scan and trying to
diagnose Mark ourselves. It could go either way to giving us an incorrect
impression. Dr. Walmark noticed that Mark’s eyebrows are falling out. He showed
him his hair, and he said that it is happening really slowly.
It was hard to walk back to the treatment room and see the chairs again. They
got the IV in on the first try, which was great. Mark had them use his right
arm. He asked for a bucket right away. He felt nauseous pretty quickly. I think
that the psychological aspect of it is so very hard for him. He gets sick just
thinking about it. He ended up sleeping most of the time. He got up once to use
the bathroom and when I offered help, he barley could answer and said no. He
gets this scrunched up miserable look on his poor sickly face. It is so hard to
see. He walked so slowly to the car. I am at the point where I try not to talk
to him at all after a treatment. I offer food and to get things for him, but
will not engage him in a conversation or ask other questions. He is too sick. He
is also short with me and it is hard because I know that he does not mean to. He
is just too out of it and sick to pay attention or think how it might affect me.
It is hard for me, though. He could not sleep upstairs with me on his air
mattress because he is too nauseous to put on his chin strap so he does not
snore.
I am trying to get into God’s word more. I realize that a part of me has enjoyed
people’s sympathy and their attention. That makes me utterly sick, because I
can’t imagine the toll doing this 8 more times will have on Mark, our family,
finances, etc. I have been praying boldly for the Lord to heal Mark in a way
that would astonish people. I think, from a human perspective, that it would
mean he would have to go through so much more and them be healed at the brink of
death. I can’t imagine that. So now, I just pray for His will, but for mercy and
healing now. I know that the Lord will bring glory to himself through this
situation in his own way and timing. I just can’t imagine the toll this will
take on us. Mark looks at 12 treatments as limping over the finish line. He
looks at 16 as killing him, which it may. The cancer might go away but he can
die from the treatment. Please, Lord, do not let that happen!
Psalm 42 is what I am focusing on right now. That, and just that God is good,
and faithful, and merciful. I KNOW that He is GOOD. Mark just left to go and
walk the trails at Black Hill Park for 40 minutes. He is the day after chemo, on
Ativan, and looking like death now. I have to trust that he will be okay and
come home safely. I am expecting to see him looking about ready to die when he
gets home. Kailey has a cold now and I pray that no one else gets it. She has
been sick so much this summer! I can’t believe it and know that this is an
opportunity to trust in the Lord FULLY for our health.
On Thursday, July 17th Mark buzzed his hair with his trimmer at home. I helped
get the back part that he could not see. It looks very different, but the kids
like it. You can see scalp all over, and the front is unusually full in the top
front area. The top is very sparse. You can see every little red mark on his
scalp. He does not like it, but he didn’t like the way it was before. I think it
looks better. He said that he was getting tired of it. I had been praying that
he would do something with it. I didn’t want to bug him and wanted him to make
the decision himself.
He has done better this time around. His fear and depression is better, and that
makes a huge difference. He has been able to talk and get excited about some
things, and on Saturday we went to Baker Park in Frederick and walked around the
small pond and fed the ducks. Mark sat on a bench when we fed the ducks. It was
very relaxing and a beautiful day. These are the little blessings that the Lord
has been faithful to give to us along the way. Of course, when we got home Mark
needed to take a nap.
On Sunday night we discovered by looking through the paperwork for Mark’s scans
for the following day that they wrote in small print to pick up barium before
the scan. We got a little panicky and needed to pray about it and give all of
the details to the Lord. I have found that my usual organized self has become
totally unreliable when it comes to getting organized and doing what needs to be
done right now. It is very discouraging and I felt like a total failure. Mark
and I really prayed about it and then went to bed.
On Monday, July 21st we got up early to go to Mark’s CAT and PET scan. We needed
to be at the CAT scan at 8am for an 8:15 appointment. We got there at 7:30 to
try and figure out how we could make it work without taking the barium ahead of
time. They could not get a good contrast for his pelvis area without having
taken the barium the night before and then that morning. We were pretty
discouraged, but went next door to the PET scan place and they said that we
could have that one and not need to reschedule. They even took us early, because
our appointment was at 9am. Mark was injected with the stuff and had to sit
still for 45 minutes just like the first time. He could not talk a lot. While
they did this I went back to the CAT scan place next door rescheduled the scan
for 11:30am the next day. I picked up the barium then. Then they took him back
for the scan, which took one hour. He became totally claustrophobic with about
25 minutes to go because he had to wear his sweat shirt to stay warm and it
bunched up around his neck due to having to keep his arms above his head. He
could barely get through the rest of the scan. When he was done he came home and
kind of fell apart. He was over come with how hard this world is and how lonely
he was. He did not want me to leave his side. The kids were with Ann Barker,
having come early at 7am and staying after we left to get them fed and then take
them out. She had Kailey all day and then got the other two and kept them for
the afternoon. I was going to run errands. I stayed with him for lunch then we
prayed and then we both left. He went to work. We felt that maybe it was God’s
mercy that he did not have to do both scans in the same day.
Monday night, the night of the PET scan, Mark went to bed early and developed a
fever. It was 101.3 at it’s high. He called the doctor and got Dr. Brown. He
told him to drink water and take two Tylenol and wait for one hour. If it got
worse or no better he would have to go the ER and be admitted. We called my mom
and she came over. We were fairly certain that we would have to go to the ER.
Thankfully it came down to 98.7, and we were able to go to sleep around 2:30am.
We were so incredibly tired.
The next day we went to his cat scan appointment and that went okay. They left
the IV in so we could go next door to the oncologist and draw blood for a cbc to
check his white counts due to the fever. I talked to the triage nurse while he
was in the scan and she said Walmark said to come on in. They were able to get
blood from the IV at the treatment area. It was so hard being there on an
off-week. We then went back to a room and spoke with Lisa. She said his red
blood cell counts were low, at 12, and had him go back to the treatment room for
an Aranesp shot. It stung very badly. Lisa had given Mark an examination and
everything seemed fine. We think he had a viral thing. She said to wait 24 hours
to see if the fever came back. It didn’t, thank the Lord.
We were supposed to get the test results today, the 23rd, but didn’t. They did
fax the report over but no one called Mark back. It was very difficult. We ended
up going out to dinner and took a 1-mile walk at the park while the babysitter
came over to stay with the kids. We had a great talk even though we were both
beyond tired.
Kailey is now sick again. What I thought were allergies have now started to come
out of her eyes and she is warm. I am taking her into the Dr today and hoping we
can get her fixed up. I just called Mark and he was on the other line with the
oncologist office. I am waiting for him to call me back!
On Thursday the 24th of July we were scheduled to go in at 4pm for the test
results. Mark could not get them to give him the results early before we went
in. We had to wait for the actual appointment. We got there and were waiting in
the room for Dr. Walmark when he walked by and said, “Hi. It looks good. The
scans were good, the best they could be. I will be there soon.” He walked on. We
had been so nervous and anxious to hear. We did not want to hear that he still
had cancer and all of the possibilities with that. More chemo, long-term health
ramifications, alternative treatments. The list was too long to bear. I could
not bear having to call people with bad news, the same people that I called back
in March with the devastating news of his diagnosis. With just a few simple
words things had turned around drastically. We were shocked. I looked at Mark
and said, “You don’t have cancer anymore.” He started to cry. Someone walked by
and asked if he wanted water, and I blurted out that he was fine. We were amazed
at God’s goodness. He had healed Mark and set us free from the struggles of the
last few months. We were not going to lose him yet. He will be okay for now, and
possibly for a very long time. God was so good and faithful, and we were very
humbled and grateful. We were so blessed. We talked with the Dr. calmly and them
left. He had mentioned that the report said that the lymphatic activity had
resolved itself. We didn’t care what all of that was. We just wanted to hear
that he was in remission. He was. He said that he was pretty sure that Mark did
not have to do the full 16 treatments. He could not make any promises. He said
that Mark is in remission and that if there is no improvement between the 8th
and the 12th treatment that the hope for a total cure would be much increased.
We left and went to the car. When we got in we called Anna right away. Ann-Marie
was at our house watching the kids. Mark called and asked for Anna. He told her
the great news and she said “Yeah!” She was so very relieved. We then had Tyler
get on the phone and Mark told him. He was so excited. He asked how many
treatments Mark had left and we did not know. We then told Ann-Marie and she
said that it was the best news she had heard in a very long time. She was very
happy.
Mark called his father next and he was relieved and happy in a reserved way. His
mom got on and she was pleased. I then called my mom next and she said “Laurie!”
and started to cry. She told dad and he said “Hey!” I then called Iris and she
said “YES!!!” She was very excited. Mark tried calling Mark Kreslins but he was
unavailable. I called Ann and she heard my voice and got nervous. She was
expecting bad news. I told her that I was calling to tell her that Mark is in
remission. She said, “Oh Laurie, I am so glad!” She cried and was so relieved.
She called Larry right after getting off the phone with me and he said that it
was a miracle. When we got home Ann-Marie hugged the both of us and was so
happy. I called and didn’t get Angie but left a message, and she called back and
said that she teared up when she heard my message. I called Kelli and she said,
“Wow, did you expect this?” I think she was in shock. Mark finally got hold of
Mark Kreslins and he was very excited.
I talked to Chris that night and she was so happy and glad. We had been holding
off on the email update concerning Mark because we wanted to include his scan
results. Everyone was on pins and needles waiting, and started asking others if
they had heard. Iris got a lot of phone calls. It got to the point where every
time I called someone they would get very silent and wait in a tense way, then I
would have to say, “we don’t know anything yet, sorry.” After we told people
that day we found out I email Angie with the update and then put a prayer
request out on the email list for CBC.
On Saturday I called Ken Jackson and left messages for him about making an
announcement on Sunday concerning Mark being in remission. He called back and
thought that it was a great idea, but wanted me to do it! I told him that we are
not in a place where we could do that, and he understood. He did make the
announcement and everyone clapped. We got congratulations that morning from
quite a few people. It was a great thing to experience compared to March! We
decided at the last minute to go on our vacation. Dr. Walmark had no problems
with it at all. I had concerns about sleeping arrangements with all of the
people going and also with all of the work that I would have to do. It was very
overwhelming, and Mark had to have chemo the day before we left. John came over
and prayed with us that Monday before that Monday before the next treatment. He
reminded us that although the chemo is horrible, his life is worth it and he has
a wife and three kids.
On the 29th of July we went in for Mark’s 9th chemo treatment. He knew that new
damage had happened to his vein after the 8th treatment and he was worried that
they could not get the IV started. It would mess up our trip but also his chemo
schedule and that day’s treatment. We were worried about the pain involved with
the trouble getting the IV in. We saw Lisa and she read the report to us again
about how great the scans were. He went back for the treatment to start and we
waited fort he nurse. Unfortunately, she tried three times to get a vein, and
couldn’t. She got another nurse who had to try two times she got it in. They
really moved it around and hurt him. He got a blood blister from the IV site on
his left arm. The Lord truly answered that prayer! There was a lot of scar
tissue and his veins are really chewed up. He was really struggling with the
whole thing, as was I. We were very relieved that they got it in finally. I
prayed the whole time. The blood that they took from the IV site did not come
out properly, but they were able to get a cbc. The nurse scheduled surgery for a
port for the Monday before the next treatment. We were matter of fact about
needing it. It simply had to be done.
This chemo treatment was by far the worst. Not only was the IV part horrible,
but when she administered the IV push drugs Mark’s stomach clutched and he
almost threw up. We got a bucket for him and it passed. He got incredibly ill
from it, but was able to get through it. The immediate taste of the chemo as it
goes into his bloodstream is terrible. He had to get up once or twice to use the
bathroom and had a hard time walking. When he was dozing I got the schedule
information from the nurse about his surgery and also that he needed to have
more blood drawn for the clotting factor before surgery. When he was done I had
to break it to him and he was not happy. They were going to send him to the lab
but did it in the treatment room instead. They had to use the back of his hand
and tried in his left then his right before they got it after three tries. By
this time he was miserable and I hadn’t eaten all day, (It was around 2:45) so
my blood sugar was low and I started feeling faint. I held it together though!
We then left and the both of us staggered out to the elevator! He was asking,
”Are you okay?” I was answering, “I’m fine. Are you okay?” It was strange. We
walked slowly to the car and I collected myself and was fine. It never got too
bad for me. I had just had it! We stopped for food on the way home and I got us
lunch to take back to the house. He rested the rest of the day. Ann-Marie had
the kids and I needed to pack for the trip the next day, having done only 1/3 of
it the day before. I had to run some errands and used up all my kid-less time
doing that. I packed after dinner and the next morning, and we left at 11am. Ann
Barker and Jeff Fahrner came over before we left for our trip and prayed with
us. It was a true blessing and the kids all sat very still and listened to the
prayers.
The trip went great and Mark drove half of it, the first half. The driveway at
the cabin was very hard for him. Too bumpy! We slept in the big room with him on
the air mattress and that worked fine. We stayed there two nights then Mom, Dad,
Chris, Brandy, and Anna and Tyler went to the Cape with Steve and Angie and
their kids while we stayed back and Mark rested. I took Kailey out for the
afternoon so he could sleep, but he was lonely. Ty missed us terribly and cried
before he left then again at dinnertime that night, but he was fine. We got
there with no problems the next day and had a good time at the beach. He did
fine, sleeping on the porch on the air mattress until the fourth night when he
was up all night with terrible heart palpitations. He became very panicked and
thought he would die. He almost came and got me in Big Steve’s room five times.
He made it through but then the next night the girls, K and Jessie were up and
scared, so he slept with K. Others had to get up and use the bathroom all night
and he didn’t get to sleep until 3am. He was so tired and spent the rest of the
day that we decided to go back to the cabin on early early. The kids were sad
but they were fine. I was a little sad too, but the trip back was okay and we
got in around 10pm and the kids went to bed well even after sleeping in the car.
We all slept till 9am and had the most relaxing and nice family day. It was nice
to be just the five of us again. We were glad we stayed the extra night there,
then went home the next day. All in all, the Lord really blessed our trip and it
was a great change of scenery for the both of us. The Lord really allowed Mark
to recuperate much faster after this treatment and he was more encouraged and
not so tried. He is so good!
On the last few days of the trip Mark had called Shady Grove radiology and
confirmed what he needed to do for the procedure. It was hard to come home and
have to get right into surgery and chemo.
We had Ann come early and then got to the hospital at 7:20am. We had an 8am
surgery scheduled. It went fine and they got everything in great. It was about a
40-minute procedure. He did get a little panicky and claustrophobic during it
and was able to move his arm and the surgical drape. I went back to him after
and he got an antibiotic drip to ensure that he does not get an infection then
Herapin to flush the port and keep it from clotting. He was in minimal pain and
came home then went right to work.
On Tuesday Mark had his 10th treatment. I left early to drop the kids off with
Margo Lennox and then swung back and picked him up at home. He came out of the
house so angry and frustrated that he had to go through yet another chemo
treatment when he felt good finally. The pain in his left hip is finally gone
and he is stronger due to the Aranesp shot finally working. I almost cried
because I knew how hard it was for him to go back to that office. When we pulled
up to it he just said how much he hated it. It was horrible walking into that
office again. We were called quickly and went right into a room after he was
weighed and so on. His weight was 179, having moved up some after being on
vacation. We saw Lisa this time and she said that the report on the scans were
very positive and definitive where usually radiologists never use the type of
certain works this one did bout Mark’s progress. It turns out, after getting a
copy of the report and going over it with Lisa, that there are only a few lymph
nodes that are still enlarged. In all likely-hood he will not have to do the
additional four treatments, but she wouldn’t say for sure without consulting
Walmark and he won’t say without those next round of scans.
We went back to the treatment room and had to find two seats together. It was
very crowded. It is always harder to go through when there are so many other
patients there. Mark’s port site was very tender and he had bruising. The nurse
inserted the IV in right through his steri strips and skin. It hurt, but was
short-lived pain compared to the last time with all of those tries for the IV.
They had to flush it with saline and he tasted that right away. We were afraid
that he would throw up from the immediate and very strong taste of the chemo
when she did the IV push drugs, but he sucked on hard candy and got through it
without throwing up. He almost immediately got that very sour look on his face
as the nurse gave him the drugs. He had his hand over his face and I could tell
he was struggling very much. He also did not fall asleep the way he usually does
until after the nurse started the DTIC and saline drip. He feels that the drugs
are not having as much as an effect on him as they used to. He did sleep after
that. We got done in the same timeframe that we usually do. The kids were
dropped off to us about 11/2 hours after we got home, allowing for rest for the
both of us. He went to bed when I did that night, around 9:30pm, after watching
a little TV together. It was nice to spend that time together.
He actually went to work the next day, the first Wednesday after chemo he worked
in a ling time. He felt pretty awful when he got home near dinner-time, and went
down in the basement to nap.
I think that the recurring theme for me right now is that God is good. He is
faithful. I think of all of the things that he had done for us and will continue
to do for us and I am amazed. So many people say that he will never give us
anything that we cannot handle. That to me seemed wrong, but I thought that if
it is in the Bible it must be true. Yesterday I read in 1 Corinthians 10:13. “No
temptation has seized you accept what is common to man. And God is faithful; he
will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,
he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” What the Lord
showed me is that he often times allows great struggles and pain into our lives,
times when we have no choice but to run to him. It is far beyond our ability to
fix or change. These times are a true blessing and an evidence of the Lord’s
loving care for us and his desire to see us become more like his son. This is
why Mark and I will absolutely not choose to see him as anything but good and
merciful and loving. He is wise and righteous and will always be on the throne.
Thank you Lord! He showed me that it is not that he keeps the hard times from us
because we are too weak to handle them but that he has promised to equip us to
not sin through those hard times. He will give us what we need to grow
spiritually. He will make us more Christ-like and sanctify us. We will be more
useful in his eternal purpose for our lives and others. He will help us to know
that he is good, to know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. I think that until you
have experienced being brought to the edge and back in this life, you cannot
really appreciate the Lord’s goodness and grace. You cannot know what it means
to give him your husband and say, “It is my dream to have a complete family and
to stay together and grow old together. I want him to see his kids and grandkids
grow up. I want to keep
him, but he is yours and I will trust in your goodness even if you make me a
widow and my kids fatherless.” I can now imagine what it would be like to see my
husband die a slow death in front of me, my kids, and the world. I have spent
that last five months thinking, praying, crying, and giving this over to him who
made us. It is okay because he says it’s okay. I can’t imagine having one of my
kids that sick. I thought I was awful to finally be okay with my husband’s death
and not the thought of my kids dying, but then realized that the Lord had months
to work in my heart to give my husband to him and I haven’t had to face that
with my kids yet. There is no grace given for the “what ifs” of life. Before
Mark was diagnosed he was out of work for 6 months. I questioned the Lord more
then than at any other time in my life. I called it my spiritual mid life
crisis. I was half joking but not fully. It really was a crisis of sorts that
went far beyond finances. I know that the financial problems people face can
tear someone away from the Lord like no other struggle. Yet, there was always
some modicum of control we had in the situation. We could move, I could work, we
could sell possessions, etc. We had it in our power to change the situation with
some drastic measures if we so chose. But cancer, stage three or beginning four
Hodgkins with a 50% chance to live, surgery and chemo… and the poor kids.
Everything, really. There was nothing we could do. If we moved the cancer would
still be taking over Mark’s body. If we had money he would still be sick. I knew
with sickening reality that the Lord could still choose to take Mark even after
doing all he could do by going to chemo treatments. This, this went deeper than
anything else we had experienced, and therefore our walk with the Lord went
deeper. It thrived and he revealed himself and truths to us that we couldn’t see
before. Yes, he is good. I know that and I pray for my kids to always know this,
in their hearts and their minds. God was good before the remission and he is
good after remission. If Mark were to die, God would still be good. We have
eight more years to get through before we can know this particular cancer is
behind us.
Mark worked on the Thursday after chemo this time, too. He did not, however,
work on Friday. We had to go buy a battery for his car and then drive to his
office. He was so sick, but got his car fixed then came home.
We went out to a Frederick Keys game with the Millers on Saturday night. Mark
was exhausted and pretty sick but did it for the kids and for us to be together.
They had fireworks after and they were spectacular. It was a real blessing to be
able to go and do something together for a change. It was his hard weekend.
Church on Sunday was good and I was struck that if we all worshiped while giving
our hearts fully to the Lord that we would all be on the floor crying. Mark was
crying and emotional, as was I to some extent. I realize that we will always
face difficulties and heartache, as well as hardships. We need to see them as
the Lord’s mercy and was he draws us near to him and into prayer and his word.
Isn’t that what we all want? Isn’t that what it is all about? It’s about Him,
not us. It’s about others, not us. God reins on high and is still on the throne.
He is the same yesterday and today. Not wanting trials is about us. Embracing
trials is about the Lord and our desire to grow and become more Christ-like. I
have never personally seen someone go through a difficult trial without growing
spiritually. This to me is clear proof of the Lord’s existence and Christianity.
He is awesome.
Mark was able to work every day on his off-week this time. He had to come home
early had to rest and walked very once to get a nap, but did okay. The weekend
was good because he felt good by Saturday. Sunday after we had church we went to
Black Hill Park and had a picnic and took a walk. The kids played in the creek
on the trail and had such a good time. Mark walked very slowly. I took pictures
to document that we went out and did this even during chemo. I want the kids to
remember that the Lord gave us good times during a very difficult time of our
lives. He did indeed.
On Monday, Mark felt like he couldn’t do the next treatment. He just didn’t want
to do it. We went in on Tuesday as usual and had to wait a very long time to see
the PA. Then we went back to the treatment room and Mark had such a strong
reaction to just being there and he almost threw up just by walking into the
room. I had to run and get him a bucket. He was so traumatized by being there
this time, much more than usual. It took so long for the nurse to get him
started with his IV and to get the labs back. They finally did and they started
the chemo. Mark got so sick and almost threw up. He was very upset when his
pre-meds were done dripping through the IV and they did not move him along to
the next thing. The DTIC flowed through quickly because of the port allowing it
to.
When it was time to go we got out to the car and Mark was so sick and
traumatized. We got home and nothing to eat appealed to him so he didn’t eat
until late. Ice cream was the only thing that worked. The next day, Wednesday,
is usually tolerable but this time it was horrible. He tried to work but could
only do a couple hours. The next day was worse, and Friday, usually his worst
day, was just as bad. He keeps toying with the idea of calling up Walmark and
demanding the scans early to skip the last treatment. I know that this will not
happen.
(Mark Writing)
I managed to get through my 12 treatments, even though I wanted to quit many
times. By the end of the treatments, God had me where he wanted me, fully
surrendered to Him. I was finally to the point where I could trust Him whether I
lived or died. Thankfully He allowed me to live, and I am a much better person
having been through cancer. Hopefully, this journal gave you a feel for some of
what it is like to go through cancer from a caregiver’s perspective. I am
working on posting my journal and thoughts from the patient’s point of view.
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